Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
