Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
