between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
