What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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