I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
