My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
