I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
