All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
