I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
