Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
