Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
