She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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