He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
