I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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