if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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