I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
