I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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