ya dads aren't the best wingmen
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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