Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
