If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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