Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
