I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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