My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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