I swear she didn't look like that last week.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
