i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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