if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
