I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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