The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
