I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
