dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
