I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
A+ Viking dick
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
