I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
