What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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