im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
