I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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