I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Shame - the story of my life.
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