My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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