Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
