laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
