Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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