That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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