Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
