His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
