I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
