He uses pillows to masturbate.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
