You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
