I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
