so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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