I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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