Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
